“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.” – Ram Dass
Let me put this out there straight away. I have been wrestling with feeling unworthy and undeserving my whole life, but none more so than at the moment I’m typing this.
You see, after being ill for so long and now having been well for so long, I feel like something’s going to trip me up somewhere. It’s all going too well. I don’t mean this in a ‘get me, I’m fantastic way’, but it’s more from a place of ‘wow, this is what life’s supposed to look like’ way. It’s amazing what happens when you stop struggling and just accept the blessings you’ve been given just for a moment.
It’s ok to feel lucky, it’s ok to have things to be grateful for. The world we live in can be terrifying, but it’s also awesome, phenomenal and completely, flabbergastingly incredible just by its very nature. We have seasons, days, cycles, minutes, earth, sky, the sun and the moon- working altogether to keep us safe and nourished in our beds at night…and we didn’t even lift a finger. If that doesn’t give us something to be grateful for, then I’m not 100% sure what will.
I’ve always been one of those people who prioritised others- as a teacher, it’s expected and it’s, basically, the job. Flog your guts out, deal with rubbish, try not to fall asleep on the journey home, do some more work and let your head hit the pillow. Rinse and repeat. I’ve been hardwired for this my whole life, as my parents always worked incredibly hard when my brother and I were younger, and they still do.
Now however, I find myself on the other side of world in my soul-place, Sydney, with beautiful weather, outstanding health, a ‘words-can’t begin to describe’ fiancé and a ‘pinch-me’ life. That’s not to say it’s always tickety-boo- there will always be ‘meh’ moments and struggles, but it’s all looking pretty sweet….so why do I feel like I don’t deserve this?
Because it seems too easy. Because it seems soul-felt. Because it seems natural and I’m bouncing on the great trampoline of soul-work. Because things are working out and I’m not flippin’ exhausted all the time. Because it doesn’t seem like work. Because I’m beginning to trust in something greater than me. Because connecting with you all on this blog just feels so amazing and like such an gifted privilege that’s going to be whipped out from under me the second I look away.
This feeling of unworthiness keeps me in the ‘it’s not all that’, pebble-grey bubble. It’s keeps me feelings that I still have to fight, that there’s still something wrong with my life, like everyone else’s, so I keep this feeling, because I need it.
But I don’t need it. I don’t need unworthiness to keep me small, to keep me struggling and to keep me from reaching up high and pulling on the chords of light up there that have tags with my name on them.
Just by being here, you are a worthy. You are worthy and deserving because you made it here, and you will be until your last day. You are therefore worthy of all the goodness in your life, whether you feel like you’ve done something to earn it or not.
You are worthy of abundant health and you deserve to be able to live a life full of energy and light. Do not stay stuck because you feel like illness is where you belong.
You are worthy of that chocolate milkshake after a long day.
You are worthy of having family and friends that love you and laugh with you, even when the joke isn’t funny.
You are worthy of your dreams, wanting more and filling your basket.
You are worthy of taking that long weekend you’ve been promising yourself for ages.
You are worthy of sitting in the park with a book and reading, guilt-free.
You are worthy of stillness, energy and light.
You are worthy of goodness, love, sincerity, openness, fun, frivolity and sheer, screeching joy.
You are worthy of just being here. now. in this moment.
You deserve to just ‘be’. You are worthy. You are love.
Love and worthiness,