This post has been a long while in coming. Could I find the right words to express what I’m feeling to you all?
2016 has been quite a journey so far. We became Australian citizens in January, I legally changed my name to my married name of ‘MacDonald’ (and couldn’t be prouder), the Universe decided that it was time to move away from my classroom teaching job and take on private tutoring clients instead and two weeks ago, we found out that we have to move from our beautiful flat in Sydney, right in the middle of when my husband’s parents are visiting us for the first time. I was also guided recently to close my mentoring sessions to new clients, but have no idea what is going to take their place as of yet.
Contrary to popular belief, winter in Australia can be pretty unforgiving. Coming from the U.K. where central heating is standard, Aussie homes aren’t built for cold weather and it’s often a lot colder indoors than outdoors. But something else was up that was making this winter a little bit more taxing than normal.
I was being called to look at some fear-based patterns that have come to light, especially since leaving my job. I realised that I’d been placing an incredible amount of my self-worth of what I did for my day-job, something I think I picked up while I struggling to work in the later stages of CFS recovery. My husband has pointed this out to me a few times in the almost ten years that we’ve been together, but I didn’t quite click at how true this was for me.
After leaving my day-job, I almost went through a period of mourning, even though I absolutely knew it was the right decision. I really missed my colleagues- making the move didn’t seem to make much sense even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Then, it hit me.
My Lack Of Self-Trust
I was absolutely blinded a few weeks ago by this book by Iyanla Vanzant. Her latest book, ‘Trust’, followed me around everywhere- I could not get away from it. Within the first few pages, I knew that this was what had been holding me back. My lack of self-trust was telling me that I wouldn’t cope with a transition to something new. It was trying to convince me that I wasn’t strong enough to move away from my job. I now know that my lack of self-trust is what has stopped me from writing more books for you all and sharing a little bit more about how to live a good life beyond illness and recovery. You might also want to call it fear, but I think self-trust resonates a little more with me, as in many ways, acknowledging it also gives me my power back.
Even though I’ve got about four book ideas running around in my head, I didn’t want to commit to any of them because I didn’t trust myself to give you good advice.
I haven’t been blogging as much recently for exact the same reasons.
I didn’t think that I was of any value, so I didn’t trust myself to be able to follow through on what I was doing.
I didn’t trust in my own self-worth.
I’m not writing this for sympathy or comments, but I’m simply trying to put my experiences and feelings into words, so that if you’re feeling the same, you can trust that you’re not alone. I know that a lot of people have found the huge changes around the world and in themselves absolutely terrifying recently, and our natural inclination is to be fearful. This is how our ego helps us to survive, by telling us that it’s not safe to do or try something we’ve never done before. All we can do is thank it for doing its job and try and find a way to glide forward anyway.
It’s often said that winter is a time or rejuvenation and hibernation, and for me, it’s been quite confronting to look at my blind spots. But, I know and trust that over the next few months, I’ll be guided and that everything will happen in the right time and place. I needed to be conscious of these blocks, so I could move through the rest of the year with ease and be of service in whatever way I can.
This is my wish for you over the next couple of months too, that you can find it in yourself trust where you are and accept your current situation, so you have strength to move forward into whatever’s next for you.
Thanks for listening, my love.
Love, Katie xxx