Following on from yesterday’s post, I just wanted to share some insights with you about my state of mind before I became ill and was diagnosed with CFS.
As some of you might have read in my story on fear, I was a bit of go-getter before I became ill at age 18. There literally weren’t enough hours in the day to do all the things I wanted to do. Notice the use of the word ‘wanted’ here, rather than ‘needed’- I was passionate about so many things- my studies, going to Uni to study Music *cough cough*, and everything was where it should’ve been. I was all set and so enthusiastic about life and the future.
When this changed suddenly due to a decision to study languages, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Everything I’d known in life up until that point felt like it was being taken away from me. Ironically, I didn’t feel angry, depressed or disappointed. I just felt numb. Maybe this was what growing up and making responsible decisions was supposed to feel like.
I could not relate to this feeling at all. It was so alien, but I also had no choice but to get on with things. I’d played my own game for so long and loved it, and now I had to play someone else’s. New rules, new teams, new tactics and a new result.
I just couldn’t do it. All of a sudden, I just had to stop and hope that everything else would stop with me. Then it’d all be fine and I’d pick up from where I’d left off during this horrible, nightmarish period of living someone else’s life. But I didn’t. I stayed where I was…and I sank into my body.
Before my diagnosis, I was tired of living someone else’s life. Tired of pretending that everything was ok. Tired of having no passion, whereas before that’s all I’d ever known. Tired of playing along. Tired of time passing by too quickly for me to change anything. Tired of having no voice.
Tired of not being me.
Photo by Chris Lawton for Unsplash
I honestly belief that part of the reason I became ill with CFS was because I was tired of this pretend life I was attempting to live, so tired in fact that my body picked all these thoughts up and just followed my instructions. Emotionally, I was tired, so my body got my messages and followed suit. I wanted to hide and wait for everything to sort itself out without me. I can’t be angry with my body- I’ve stopped blaming it for everything. I’ve also stopped blaming myself- it’s absolutely useless, a waste of much-needed energy and keeps me dwelling on the past when all I want to do is move on.
I don’t mean to say that you are to blame for your illness, not at all. When I feel down on myself, my immune system crashes, and I come down with everything. I wasn’t in the best health, and I don’t think mentally telling myself I was tired and my body wasn’t working was helping.
When I’ve meditated on this, I’ve gradually received answers, but reading for me has really opened my eyes. When I’ve read something that is basically written for me, I’m forced to stop in my tracks and really think about the words. Through this, I’ve managed to come to terms with my illness and, more importantly, I’ve learned great life lessons from it.
If you’re really honest with yourself, what were you tired of feeling before your diagnosis? What might have been your reasons for Chronic Fatigue? What do you want to feel again in your life? I’d love to know your thoughts below.
Love and lucidity,
Katie xx
Tired of other people controlling my life. Tired of always having to put others first. Tired of always giving!
There’s a kite flying from Down Under, to here in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia (U.S.), and on its tail I read your insightful question: what were you tired of feeling before your diagnosis? …. I was tired of feeling like I didn’t fit in places – I wasn’t the right kind of mother, or Catholic, or ‘welfare mother’, or even young woman (all my peers were just getting engaged – and here I was, married and getting a divorce!) — and I didn’t feel like I was in the right life — not the one I was supposed to have, the one I always thought I would have — the smart writer who went to college — it was like – zap! it was gone and I was supposed to be happy with what I had instead … I didn’t even feel like I had the right clothes & I sure looked and walked around uncomfortable in what I had — there were places I hadn’t always fit in before – i.e. liking strangely different music than my high school peers – but I guess in other places, I felt like I fit, or had a place to fit – now all of a sudden — I didn’t fit anywhere, it seemed! I certainly didn’t fit with one very good group of girlfriends, for example, because one of them took off with my husband, and they all followed the new couple like lemmings off a cliff ;-
Lots of love, Jeannee- xx
I was tired for the same reason: not being me, but really having “all” in life that’s supposed to be what should make you happy. Not having a couple because I had put all my eggs on one basket: professional success, in a way it didn’t fit my inner wishes, but doing it the best I know and tryinig to enjoy as if it was muy really inner wish. And not letting me complaint about it because I have a good job, I do it very good and am very valued, and I have a house to live in in a beautiful place I wanted, and money than let me travel (my true passion)… And being tired of living taht success life and feeling empty, and not being able to make changes because of my own fears and auto – non – value. And knowing it was necessary if i wanted to feel live again, but feeling paralized…
Thank you for sharing, Casanna (beautiful name!)- I cam definitely relate to, “professional success, in a way it didn’t fit my inner wishes, but doing it the best I know and trying to enjoy as if it was my real inner wish”! x
Casanna comes from my name and surnames, haha, my nickname when I first came to internet in 1999…. Kind of spiritual name now. My real one is Carmen
Thanks for being there
Hi Katie!
Thank you soooo much again for your website and wisdom!!
To survive my upbringing, I had to pretend everything was ‘ok’ from the day I was born. I finally crashed into a severe depression/panic disorder when I was 26 y.o. Despite this, I kept trying to plod along in ‘my’ career (chosen to make my mother happy) for 5 more years. I became severely suicidal and finally checked into a clinic for my depression and panic. A few months later the physical symptoms began. (CFS).
That was 20 years ago. I rest A LOT and with menopause, the fibromyalgia kicked into high gear. I’m managing (sort of) today and have started doing EMDR (don’t know if you’re familiar) in hopes that helping my emotional state with help the physical. (I’ve been doing therapy of one sort or another all along, but the EMDR is new).
I know I have many of those beliefs you mentioned on another page (life is a constant struggle, etc), which I’m trying to exorcise. My fear however is that since i never had any passion in life to begin with, I don’t have any frame of reference to ‘return’ to. It seems that you were passionate about life prior to getting ill. I was just wondering if, next time you come along any information that might relate to helping someone in a position like mine, that you would post it on your site. I’m on your email list so I’ll keep coming back.
Thank you again!!
Kira
Hi Kira (beautiful name, by the way!)- thank you for being here. I haven’t heard of EMDR, but I’m intrigued by it!
It’s funny you should mention writing an article about passion- I have a half-drafted article on it that I’ve been meaning to publish for a while. Maybe this is a sign! Here is an article that I wrote for MindBodyGreen to be going on with.
Thank you Kira- xx
Not too sure if I fully agree with the root causes you have laid out.Though I note that it strikes a chord for many of your respondents…..So because it cfs/me can be a contentious issue I will just list some of my own theories on its aetiology.
. Autoimmune component.
.Genetic predisposition.
.Mitiochondrial dysfunction.
.Inflammatory process post viral infection.
.Prolonged periods of stress.
.Sleep apnoea.
.Poor nuitrition./ Candidiasis.
.Undetected viral/ bacterial/ fungal infections.
.Lymes disease.
. A good site to visit is ….
Stanford University new research on cfs/me…
Dr. Jose Montoya.
Good luck all….
hope this is helpful…
Frances….
.
.
Hi Frances- thank you for your comment and for adding to the root causes of the illness. As I mention in the article, I felt that these were what I believed to be the underlying causes of my own, personal illness, and I can only speak for myself. I’m definitely not simplifying it or dumbing it down. I have no medical training, so understand that there are a lot of theories I haven’t looked into, including environmental factors.
Thank you Frances- as you mentioned, it is a contentious issue.
Love, Katie xx
Thank you for this beautiful post Katie. It really touched me. For me, I was more scared: scared of getting close to someone, scared of being hurt, scared of opening up and revealing myself to someone and revealing myself to the world, scared of rejection. Scared of being strong, of being weak, of not being enough. Scared of standing up for myself. Scared of being true to myself, scared of being me. And I became a shell. A half person, only able to live a half life. But now I am beginning to break open!
I can relate to that feeling so, so well my love. Thank you for sharing, beautiful- xx
Hi Katie, I am a nutritionist and followed the biochemical, toxicity path to discover causes of my (undiagnosed) CFS. It took me some years before I made the emotional connection: I was tired of giving but not receiving love in my second marriage. Worse, I was on ‘red alert’ for years, walking on eggshells around my husband because of his hair-trigger temper. It was exhausting. I suffered chronic insomnia and depression with suicidal thoughts. The good stuff that came out of this painful journey? I learnt to be assertive and to honour myself. More recently I started taking a very light dose of sleeping pill (I hate medication!) which has made so much difference. The chronic insomnia was destroying me. Now I can engage with life again. My marriage is much more peaceful and all the work I did on releasing anxiety has really worked.
Carolyn, this is so good to hear- what incredible insights you’ve had through CFS. Sending you lots of love in life and continued good health!
Love, Katie xxx
I love the way you write Katie, you are so kind and gentle. Exactly the opposite of how I was with myself before I became ill. I was also living the life I was “supposed” to live. I made the “right” choices instead of the passionate ones. I was so driven by logic that I could not even identify what I honestly loved to do anymore. The more I kept going, the more it felt like pushing instead of living. Each day was another effort. I didn’t know what real motivation was, I just though that I could mentally drive myself and consequently a lot of anxiety set in. I feel better now but I’m still not fully recovered. I think maybe my body just doesn’t believe that if he gives me energy I will use it gently and passionately. Something inside me is still “pushing” and “wanting” things that do not necessarily correspond to my personnality. It’s a harsh way to get to know myself but it is comforting to hear from people who have had a similar experience. Thank you for this blog
Noémie
Thanks for this, Katie. I am convinced that my CFS is due to psychological factors more than physical ones often associated with CFS (Epstein-Barr virus, allergies etc). Before being diagnosed I was tired of doing everything right but never feeling happy or content. I was tired of being a slave to time and deadlines, of being so concerned with other’s opinions, of never having enough time to myself, and of a sense of loneliness and I was tired of being tired – I knew something wasn’t right but I couldn’t see what and it drove me nuts with overthinking. I hope to learn from all of this so that I can live from the inside out. xxx
Lots of love, my dear- xx
Interesting, I’ve never quite looked at underlying reasons either spiritually or even emotionally but some of the same things ring true, when I got CFS, I was working a job I didn’t like, not doing what I really wanted to do, stressed out about money, and also was having some personal stuff going on, not to get into too much detail but I’ve always been awkward and my friends (which are few) and my relationships (even fewer) have all been disastrous.
I think since then I don’t care as much for other’s opinions and I started writing and also opened up a few businesses and starting doing twitch and youtube as well. I also meditate a lot as well (I started around when I got sick but stopped for a while).
Amazing! Good for you, Jared!