Following on from yesterday’s post, I just wanted to share some insights with you about my state of mind before I became ill and was diagnosed with CFS.
As some of you might have read in my story on fear, I was a bit of go-getter before I became ill at age 18. There literally weren’t enough hours in the day to do all the things I wanted to do. Notice the use of the word ‘wanted’ here, rather than ‘needed’- I was passionate about so many things- my studies, going to Uni to study Music *cough cough*, and everything was where it should’ve been. I was all set and so enthusiastic about life and the future.
When this changed suddenly due to a decision to study languages, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Everything I’d known in life up until that point felt like it was being taken away from me. Ironically, I didn’t feel angry, depressed or disappointed. I just felt numb. Maybe this was what growing up and making responsible decisions was supposed to feel like.
I could not relate to this feeling at all. It was so alien, but I also had no choice but to get on with things. I’d played my own game for so long and loved it, and now I had to play someone else’s. New rules, new teams, new tactics and a new result.
I just couldn’t do it. All of a sudden, I just had to stop and hope that everything else would stop with me. Then it’d all be fine and I’d pick up from where I’d left off during this horrible, nightmarish period of living someone else’s life. But I didn’t. I stayed where I was…and I sank into my body.
Before my diagnosis, I was tired of living someone else’s life. Tired of pretending that everything was ok. Tired of having no passion, whereas before that’s all I’d ever known. Tired of playing along. Tired of time passing by too quickly for me to change anything. Tired of having no voice.
Tired of not being me.
I honestly belief that part of the reason I became ill with CFS was because I was tired of this pretend life I was attempting to live, so tired in fact that my body picked all these thoughts up and just followed my instructions. Emotionally, I was tired, so my body got my messages and followed suit. I wanted to hide and wait for everything to sort itself out without me. I can’t be angry with my body- I’ve stopped blaming it for everything. I’ve also stopped blaming myself- it’s absolutely useless, a waste of much-needed energy and keeps me dwelling on the past when all I want to do is move on.
I don’t mean to say that you are to blame for your illness, not at all. When I feel down on myself, my immune system crashes, and I come down with everything. I wasn’t in the best health, and I don’t think mentally telling myself I was tired and my body wasn’t working was helping.
When I’ve meditated on this, I’ve gradually received answers, but reading for me has really opened my eyes. When I’ve read something that is basically written for me, I’m forced to stop in my tracks and really think about the words. Through this, I’ve managed to come to terms with my illness and, more importantly, I’ve learned great life lessons from it.
If you’re really honest with yourself, what were you tired of feeling before your diagnosis? What might have been your reasons for Chronic Fatigue? What do you want to feel again in your life? I’d love to know your thoughts below.
Love and lucidity,