This is a very personal post, but one I feel that needs to be written. This is probably one of the most honest posts I’ve written for a while, so I really appreciate it if you’re here and are reading these words- thank you.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve mentioned a few times on my Facebook wall that the energy around me and also around other people has been very intense and variable recently. It was almost as if we were going through Mercury Retrograde, but we’ve just slipped into in now. Lots of people are changing jobs, having babies, getting crystal clear on what they want and are really aligning themselves with it, whereas all I want to do is hibernate and journal (something I’ve just taken up- I now understand why people talk about it so much!).
In the midst of all this, I started wildly comparing myself to other people, and I mean, uncontrollably. Why was everyone else able to leap through this without fear and without their energy being zapped? Why couldn’t I manage this as smoothly as I usually can? I met up with a friend the other day who is an Energetic Healer for lunch and my energy felt so crazy and angry compared to hers, whereas normally we’re perfectly matched. What was going on?
I spent a lot of time yesterday meditating and journaling and I’ve realised several things as a result of my struggles with comparison that maybe you would benefit from too. I’ve slipped into some bad habits recently in an attempt to shield myself from this madness. I feel now as though I’m through to the other side, but boy, was it scary.
Bad Habits I Adopted
- Caffeine started creeping in again- sometimes, in an effort to fit in, I started ordering coffee. Not very often, just once or twice a week. This is not like me at all, and I usually have no problems order my usual herbal tea. But something told me I had to go with the flow (i.e. other people’s flow).
- Starting to question my job and where it had all gone wrong- although I’m enjoying my job, I do get ‘what if’ moments. Instead of being grateful and in the moment, I projected the future onto my current situation and couldn’t see where it was going- cue panic and a sense of failure. I also started worried more about what my colleagues thought of me, which I’ve never done before. I think behind this there’s a need to work harder to prove that I’m worthy of love and belonging.
- An “I’m not as good as…..” mentality- again, this comes from fear of not making the grade, that what I’ve worked for is meaningless. This crossed over into exercise, how I write my blog, even what I post on Facebook.
- Comparison on Facebook- normally, I really don’t spend much time on the internet, but I’ve started to more and more. I was trying to distract myself from doing the real work (sometimes, you just don’t like what you’re going to find there, so you resist it for as long as possible). Normally, I’m dying to jump in at the deep-end, but I really haven’t wanted to recently. I also started comparing myself to other wellness/health bloggers and it made me feeling nothing but empty and inadequate. Instead of focussing on what I could bring to the online environment, I was focussing on what I lacked.
- You will be pushed and pulled until you’re completely safe and secure in your own identity. Expect to question yourself, and cut yourself some slack.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Dr Seuss
- Be secure in who you are and where you are right now, not where you’ll be 10 years from now. The ‘now’ is all we have. Be happy in it.
- Listen to your body and don’t feel you have to jolt yourself awake. Waking up slowly is luxurious, beautiful and more than fine.
- Don’t compare your daily routines or lifestyle choices to anyone else. Being normal and fitting in is boring, and will ultimately lead to unhappiness and a sense of longing.
- For goodness sakes, take a break from the internet if you feel called to. Also, don’t compare yourself to people you don’t know on the internet. What you see is only a fraction of their life, and honestly, a lot of people are more likely to post the good stuff rather than the bad stuff. Be a curious appreciator and give them a high five when they’ve done something well, when they’re owning it. Don’t slip into the comparison well- you don’t know their lives or what they’ve been through to get here.
- It’s ok to take a break in the middle of your work day to walk around the block and it’s ok to not go to something because it feels icky.
- Play the long game, not the short game.
I hope these little insights have helped you my darling. Even though the CFS has gone, we all have gremlins and shadow sides that come up to meet us sometimes. I feel mine is here to teach me a big lesson, and I’ll let you know more about it when the time comes.
Love and being you,