This post is dedicated to Lisa.
I’ve just received an email asking about how to cope with losing friends and other acquaintances when you are ill, and wanted to share my thoughts on this.
This definitely happened to me (click here to read my story), and it was a very distressing part of my illness. It’s even more distressing when you’re 18, your friends are your life and you’ve just left home to start university only to find yourself at home again having to be cared for. My friends were all living their lives and here I was having to be looked after be other people. I felt so ashamed and like a total failure. Honestly, I felt like it was me- I was the problem. It must’ve been me, right?
I had to come home after my first term of University at Christmas. Christmas in the U.K. is typically a time for freshers to come back to their home town and meet up with everyone for drinks, compare courses, accommodation and the nightlife. The snow was falling and I was petrified and lifeless in bed. I could practically hear my old classmates clinking glasses and boasting about their new lives.
But there was also another part of me that could here them saying, “So, did you hear about Katie? She dropped out, didn’t she? Straight A student as well- it must be so embarrassing for her”. These conversation never happened, but in my mind, they were very, very real. If you add on top of that the things that people say about CFS sufferers anyway, you can imagine that my mind was on overdrive and I felt so lonely and isolated.
After feeling upset and angry for months, in a moment of clarity between bouts of brain fog, I realised that it really wasn’t their fault. My close friends had tried to understand what was going on, time and time again. They’d even asked if they could come and visit me, but I was so weak (and also so piercingly ashamed of myself and my situation) that I said ‘no’.
It suddenly struck me that there was no way on earth that they could understand what was happening to me. Even I didn’t know what the hell was happening.
If even you don’t understand your illness, how can you expect others to do the same?
As soon as thought about this, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I also felt less angry and more compassionate. This doesn’t mean that I liked the fact that my friends were drifting away from me, but I accepted it for what it was. There was no way that they could understand how my life was going to have to change as a result of this illness, and this was the first true moment of real clarity that I had in this whole, sorry mess. Up until that moment, I hadn’t thought about it either.
You cannot control the way people view you and what people think about you. You cannot control their feelings or confusion towards what is happening or what has happened to you. What you do have control over if how you react it and how to feel about it. You can accept it or keep fighting, and you know me- I’ll fly the flag for acceptance any day of the week (it puts less stress on the body and makes you frown less. Wrinkles, girls- wrinkles!)
Friends and people will drift in and out of your life, but that doesn’t mean you are devoid of friends forever. New people will come into your life when you least expect it and they’ll be exactly what you need. They will bestow life lessons upon you and then drift away, leaving room for new angels to meander in.
Don’t miss out on these experiences by clutching too much to how things were or how things could have been. Loosen your grip with love and let the love find you.
In love and friendship,
It is so hard to lose friends when you become ill. I agree that some just don’t know how to understand what’s going on or that we push them away ourselves. The ones that hurt the most though are the ones who belittle you and just can’t be bothered with you anymore. But, I have found that you do get new people in your life and they are better than the ones who left. In the wonderful book by Tosha Silver, Outrageous Openness, she says:
“Let what wants to come, come. Let what wants to go, go.
If it is mine, it will stay. If not, whatever is better will replace it.”
I love this and think it really applies to friendships as well as other areas of your life.
Such a beautiful quote- thank you for sharing, Sheila- xx
A wonderful post, Katie. Reblogging it. Thank you.
Thanks so much!
Thank you so much Katie. I really needed to hear this, as my CFS has recently worsened and my close friend has just stopped replying to my texts. I felt so angry before & kept planning ways I could get her to understand, but it has been replaced with compassion & random giggles now after admitting it is a strange and confusing condition hehe! Just accepting that has made me stop fighting the strangeness and just go with it. Lots of love to you, inspiration
Good for you, Katie! xx