After I was able to actually be awake and ‘functioning’ enough to think about it, and even maybe on a good day, read a paragraph of a book, I suddenly started to ask myself, “Is it my fault that I have CFS?”.
Was it really as bad as all I thought it was? Maybe I wasn’t that sick after all. Was it all in my head? Why I had been given this ‘lesson’ as a lot of self-help authors might have us believe? Why or why did this so-called beautiful ‘lesson’ have to be so damn difficult?
Please listen to this, my love.
This is not your fault.
Having CFS or Fibromyalgia or any other chronic illness is not your fault.
You did not bring it on yourself.
You haven’t done anything to deserve this.
This is not part of some plan by a malicious Universe to bring you down.
This is not because you didn’t eat enough apples when you were five (or drink enough green juice in your thirties).
This is not because you said that horrible thing to someone, and now you’re being punished.
This is not because you’re a horrible person, and you need to be punished somehow.
This is not because you’re deficient or worthless in some way.
Absolutely not.
Sometimes, things just happen.
Our brain wants to try and figure out this whole thing, so we know what we ‘did wrong’ and then the brain can make sure we never do that thing again. (Otherwise known as ‘survival’.)
You can think yourself into the ground (and you probably will) trying to pin down the one thing you should’ve done back in the day, but if you could put your finger on it, would it help you?
Sometimes, there is no answer. It just is what it is.
What can rationalise and justify and ‘self-help’ all we want, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.
It’s not your fault, my love.
Please let yourself off the hook once and for all.
xxx
Love this Katie. It’s taken me a looong time to see that it’s not my fault, and couldn’t agree more with what you’ve written. Much love xxx
Lots of love- xx
Although it is not my fault, I feel that ME/CFS has served me and taught me great lessons. It has taught me that I need to take care of me above all else and it has taught me that I need to set boundaries. There areother things it is teaching me but I think those two are the most important for me.
This is beautiful, my love- yes, having CFS taught me some great lessons too. You can read more about these here.
xxx
I am so familiar with this post. I’ve been battling CFS for 2 years, and battled Chronic depression for 7 years. I’m now 22, and I feel absolutely hopeless. My mental health state has never enabled me to find a job, have a healthy relationship or feel positive in life. Being mentally torn is one thing. But when you’re physical body decides to give up, that just puts the icing on the cake.
Sometimes I think maybe I ain’t destined to live what I consider a normal life with normal relationships, a normal job and looking at life from a normal healthy perspective. I just don’t know where to look for help neither do I know what to deal with first. My head or my body? Confusing haha.