Ok, I’ll come clean with you all. I’m 30 at the end of January 2014. 30- how the flippin’ heck did that happen?
As much as I’m trying to be ok with it and should be looking forward to everything that’s on the horizon (and believe me, there is a lot of good stuff!), all I can think about is what I haven’t done and what I still want to achieve. In truth, the next few months scare the life out of me.
Why am I giving myself such a hard time?
To be honest, I really shouldn’t be. I’ve got so much to be grateful for and I’m the happiest I think I’ve ever been in my life. I’m incredibly lucky to hitting 30 at all. I know 30 is nothing to be scared of and billions of people have done it and come out of the other end (dare I say it, rockin’ it!) But my type-A, ego personality keeps sneaking in and telling me that it’s not good enough. It wants more, and unfortunately, there’s a huge part of my brain that’s listening to it.
You see, I lost so much of my Twenties to illness, fear and doubt that I feel like I have to make up what I missed over around 7 years in the next 4 months. Possible? Of course. Projecting all my perfectionism onto this time and forgetting to enjoy it? Probable.
What’s the matter with setting goals?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting goals if they come from the right place, if they feel warm, gooey and heart-felt and if they’re going to make you a better person. But if by setting yourself goals you’re ultimately not doing it for yourself or your growth, but for other people or for something outside of yourself, that’s where the problem lies.
I suppose in a way, I am doing it for someone else.
I’m doing it for my ego.
The part that says I’m not enough if I haven’t accomplished ‘x, y, z’ by the time I hit the big 3-0. The part that says my life is supposed to look a certain way because the media kind of says so (or my family, or my friends, or my ego- there we are again!). The part that falls into crazy Impostor Syndrome or Comparisonitis, because I’m still not entirely happy.
So, what will it take?
I know deep down that putting pressure on myself to enjoy these next few months and milk as much out of them as possible will leave me exhausted come my Birthday (and besides, nobody likes fake smiles and enforced joy). So, I’m going at it the easy, easy way- it something’s meant to be on my big, beautiful Life List, it’ll happen. If not, it can wait until I’m 30 or for beautiful years after that. Putting this kind of pressure on myself in many ways is what made me ill in the first place- only listening to my ego and not to my body or spirit made me ill and I’m not willing to do this to myself again.
Where in your life are you putting pressure on yourself my darling? Does the pressure feel exciting and liberating or does it feel exhausting? Is it time you gave yourself a break and just went with the flow for a while?
Let me know your comments below.
Love and ease,